wintering
plus Hot Notice Board - Jan/Feb 2026
Since the winter solstice, I keep pulling the Hermit card. At my day job, I’m on the organization’s time, fast-paced. At home, I’m on my family’s time. Somewhere in between, there’s very little time that feels like my own. This is how I picture my inner state lately: I’m on a raft in the middle of calm ocean water. The direction isn’t clear, but the sky is open. I’m not paddling. I’m floating. So when I’m by myself, this is where my inner self is.
In December, I went on a mini solo retreat expecting to read, write, and dream. Instead, I brewed tea, cooked, gathered pine cones for the fire, sat in silence, and danced alone to loud music. I failed at keeping the fire going the first night and had to re-learn how to tend it. The next day, I spent hours by the fire: the constant positioning, re-lighting (I had to start over so many times), feeding, blowing. I was so proud and relieved when it reached the fluorescent glow of coals.
Since that retreat, I’ve been going inward. Discerning. Shedding. Being careful about what comes next, especially with income. Reflecting on relationships. Reviewing my capacity. Contemplating what may bring steadiness. What I want feels close, but unnamed. On the tip of my tongue. Mornings start with simple meditations and whatever I want, not what I should do. And almost every week, I buy $5-$10 flower cuttings, and I place them by the window. The flowers act like a lighthouse during these colorless days.
I’ve been grieving something I can’t fully name, not because I’m being private but because I just can’t think it. I don’t know it. I can only feel or sense it. We might call it depression, though that word feels thin. There’s a lot of sun where I am. There have also been beautiful moments since the solstice. Both things are true.
Although I’ve been moving slowly, I’ve been able to drop off the first issue of Hot Notice Board around LA, including The Pop Hop, March April Studio, Riso Studio Arts, Cafe Nido, Empty Empty Shelf, and Ojalá Books… so far! You can download the digital version and share among your circles, if you’d like.
I also want to say thank you to those who sent donations for production! 🩵 The next call for listings will be out in a couple of weeks.
Have you been wintering? Or are you fully energized and roaring? Somewhere in the middle?
Take care,
Stepfanie